I didn’t ask your permission and I know I made you uncomfortable.
Turns out that’s what I’m best at. Making people uncomfortable with my truth.
The thing is I needed you. I needed you to hear my words and understand me when I was scared and…. well, excited.
I needed you to take a little piece of my worry. You aren’t alone. I told others that are in my every day because I’m active and people will notice when things change. I couldn’t hide any more. I couldn’t keep it to myself. Everything I needed to let out could cause me to crumble.
So here I stand letting it out for you to know that I am pregnant.
I know you don’t want to hear my news. I know it scares you. We’ve been down this path so many times. 7 to be exact. You’re terrified you’ll have to give me a solemn look shortly. Who knows how long this one will last.
You’ll have to wait on pins and needles while we all see if this baby will stay.
Here’s what I need to remind you, your concern for the uncomfortable conversations and sad feelings you may feel is small compared to the amount of weight you’ll be taking off my shoulders when I don’t have to avoid you for the next 3 months.
I don’t have to avoid my exercise class today because you took my grief and agreed to hold some of my stress and anxiety. To celebrate with me even when we’re scared there might not be anything to celebrate soon. To be prepared to cry with me on the good days and the bad. To understand when there’s literally no way for you to completely understand this amount of loss.
I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I honestly didn’t even want to make myself feel this way again. We were recently told that we should probably wrap our minds around the fact that this wasn’t going to happen for us. I’d already moved on. Stopped tracking and was waiting to get testing done for autoimmune diseases. We’ve already talked surrogacy. We’ve talked every option including being complete. But we just aren’t yet.
Before I even realized we were at the point to talk surrogacy, Mal brought it up. My friend that has been there for everything even though we live so far apart. She was there to hear my daughters heart beat the first time we heard it. She was there when my life fell apart. She was there for every loss and every joy. She asked me if I would consider letting her be there for us.
I mean those of you that know us personally know of course her husband and I have had a running joke for about 8 years that I’m his baby mama and he’s my baby daddy. This of course sparked a series of jokes.
How do you prevent ugly crying about the most sincere, selfless offer I’ve ever received? Telling bad jokes. Why don’t you all come join me.
When I say it’s important to put into your friendships, near and far, I’m serious. Friendship like this is special. Friendship that stands by you and walks with you when you’re not sure what direction you’re taking breathes life into you. I hope for all of you that you feed into your friendships because I would wish a friend like this on each and every one of you!
Back to baby talk….
Honestly, we’ve been wanting to foster kids since we got serious in our relationship. We had 1 kiddo but we felt called to give. This made it a perfect fit when we became guardians to our nephew who thinks of us as another mom and dad. We spent the next few years working on getting him where he needed to be as well as having pregnancy after pregnancy and loss after loss.
You, our family and friends had to endure all of this. I get it. We aren’t the easiest couple to stand by. We aren’t the easiest family to know how to support. We have had our share of loss and maybe a little bit more for good measure just in case we thought we were done with that loss thing. To stand by us even knowing that you might have to experience this loss too, makes you strong. You know that we don’t want your looks of pity and you will struggle not to give them because you were also excited. These were all losses to you too. You cried with us and wanted to be there for us but what should that even look like. You all know me. I’m going to tell you I’m good even if I spend countless nights not sleeping. If I spend days and weeks going back over everything I did to try to blame something other than bad luck. If I spiral and think things in my head about how unfair it seems that people who abuse their kids have no problem having one after another. Until I finally reach some sanity after avoiding everyone and realize that I was given these hurdles to cross for a reason as others were given their hurdles to cross and I’m strong enough to cross mine so it’s time to pull myself together and do just that.
I know its hard but here’s the thing. I tell you I’m pregnant early because I NEED you. I need you to take a little bit of my anxiety and worry so I can live a normal life and hopefully not be as stressed during this time that, like it or not, is stressful. I can’t sit in my house and pretend nothing is going on and just wait until the second trimester. All that will do is cause me to be miserable and eventually build on me.
I wish I was stronger and could do this for all of us so I don’t have to make those calls when the almost certain future happens but here I sit thankful that you took my news and yelled with joy even though I was certain you would have a look of grief. You know what could happen going forward but you chose to stand by me and yell with joy, jump and hug me. The 7th time. How can you still be this excited. It makes my life so much easier when you listen to me say I’m hesitant but of course I want to be excited.
Not long ago we started down the process to look at fostering and adoption because we love kids. We want every kid to feel loved. We want a big family but have always been of the opinion that when the right time came we would be here to serve our purpose and if that day never came then so be it because we love our family.
So here we sit with a hopeful heart for the future. A pregnancy. Ready for classes to start down the road to work with fostering with the state and unapologetically announcing to our friends and family that we need you to take a small amount of the stress we feel some days because we love you and we know you love us. I can’t be more thankful to our friends and family who have loved on us. Celebrated with us. Cried with us. Prayed for us. Held us up when we just couldn’t get through one more week of grief. Who helped us get laughter back in our lives. Who helped us protect our children from having to feel the grief that has past been in our hearts and who have supported all the dreams we have had. We can’t wait to see what happens in the next few years and we hope to help many others along the way.