An open letter to the ghosted and ghost-er

A letter to the friend that drifted, that got lost in my life and who, we both lost out on. It’s not that I didn’t care for you. Truth be told I cared so deeply for our friendship. When it turned and started going south I panicked. I wondered who you were and who I was.

There are rules about breaking up with romantic partners. People accept this. They encourage it in fact. Oh that’s not working for your best interest… cool… leave that and find a better fit. When it comes to friends…. What could they have possibly done that allows you to, as we will, break up with them? Even more, ghost them? Well here goes…

This wasn’t just you. This was me too. This was a friendship that was meant to bring us joy. It was meant to make things better in life. Here we stand as two people who are looking for different things in life. Our lives never needed to be exactly in sync with each other but somehow a controlling factor came into play. How did this even happen? And when?

We started out spending time together. Together with our families. Our children became friends. It’s ok that you didn’t always like my rules for my children. Our definition of boundaries is much different. I expect respect from my children and yet when they watched yours disrespect you, it gave mine confidence to be defiant. Here’s the best thing about that. I didn’t know my kids needed that and I  didn’t know I needed that. I want them to be leaders and because of how they were raised combined with the experience they had because of your family, they have a better chance at being those strong leaders I wish for them. Thank you for doing things your way and exposing my family to it.

Our kids wonder why they don’t see each other anymore. They ask for play dates and I’m at a loss for the right words. How do I be a good role model here. Some day they’ll be a distant memory and that pulls at my heart. Maybe one day things will change, and our friendship will rekindle. Maybe one day they wont long for the friendship they have also lost out on. The laughs, the play and the time spent learning how to be a friend.

I hoped my calm would help sooth the storm that surrounded your life but I finally stepped away because the storm was beginning to be my storm. Not that I didn’t want to help but I no longer could help without it becoming a problem in my life.

We were carefree, fun and acted like kids when we were together. We planned things together, mostly you planned and I showed up. I got to be myself and encourage you to be your best self. You accepted me for who I am even at my craziest and wildest which can be tricky and cause people to be pushed away. Here I am now realizing that I’m in my 30’s and maybe my wildest isn’t the best for everyone in my life. It’s not the safest for me and that means its not the best for my husband and kids either. I wanted to be the friend you needed but honestly, I didn’t know how to.

It’s so hard to let a friendship go yet I had to start standing up for myself in a way that seemed aggressive. I was the bad guy. The rules didn’t apply here. I couldn’t just remain in this friendship that was not working. That was tearing me apart. I long to be a good friend but this was not my time. This wasn’t the friendship that I was going to be the best for and so we both lost out. We lost out on celebrations, game nights, friend trips and all the laughs that were not going to happen anymore.

I was the one changing the rules. The rules that were set at the beginning had to change and I didn’t know how to change them. Our paths were leading us to different places. I was uncomfortable and out of control. Which lead to ghosting you. When I see you out, I turn around because I don’t know what to say. My behavior was bad. I was left with little option because I was changing, and I didn’t trust you to change with me. I’m thankful we had the friendship we did and maybe one day our paths will cross again when we’re wiser and still both full of life. Maybe that day I’ll be better at setting boundaries and more confident in who I am and want to be. Maybe you’ll be better at accepting change. Maybe one day we’ll be friends again. Until then, I’m sorry I ghosted you.

Meg

MisMatched Life